the second marshmallow

By now, everyone is familiar with the Marshmallow Test, I hope. If not, here’s a summary:

The Marshmallow Test is also referred to as the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment. It was first conducted in 1968 by Dr. Walter Mischel et al. at —no surprise —Stanford University. It covered delayed gratification; the children in the study could receive one marshmallow now or wait for two marshmallows. The mythology around the experiment is considerable, with people asserting that it proved that the ability to delay gratification at a young age (they were preschoolers in the study) correlated with increased achievement and success later. All of this naturally correlated with intelligence. There was even a study later that correlated delayed gratification with lower body mass index. This was something that was drilled into us in beginning psychology: for a child to be successful, they needed to learn to delay gratification. When I took those courses, I never questioned it —just absorbed it like a sponge and thought of ways to help kids work on it.

What the experiments did not address was the elephant in the room: socioeconomic status. Getting out into the real world, the non-controlled experiment that is society in the US, I’ve had the opportunity to witness firsthand how that factors into kids’ decision making. I am haunted by one girl in particular.

She joined us when she was placed with a foster family. Her background was significant for neglect, and she was an emergency placement but she had been there for a month or so when I started working with her. When I work with kids, I generally work on things that are hard for them to do, so I do use prizes. I don’t center everything around tangible reinforcement (fancy speak for bribes or rewards), but they’re there if I need them. Everyone has chance to work towards different levels of rewards. A long time ago, I set it up so that the less desired prizes were easier to obtain than the more desired prizes which required a longer wait. Sound familiar? Yup. The Marshmallow Test.

She didn’t wait, though. She wanted Play-Doh (a need to wait item), but opted for crayons (a shorter wait item).

“Are you sure?” I asked her.

Yes, she said, the crayons now instead of the Play-Doh in two weeks. I never force the issue, and she got her crayons.

And she was moved to another foster placement by the end of the week.

Was she wrong to take the crayons? I don’t think so. One of the things the Marshmallow Test doesn’t consider is the element of trust that needs to occur between the person with the prizes and the person trying to earn them. Is it worth it to take the chance that the more highly-desired item will be both available and obtainable at a later time? Sure it’s been promised, but will it be there? Will you actually receive two marshmallows for waiting?

The longer I live, the more I wonder if that young lady is far wiser than I am. It’s maladaptive (fancy speak for dumb) to continue to have faith in waiting for something when all you’ve been shown is that waiting is a way to lose opportunities rather than gain them. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” became a cliché for a reason —it contains an element of truth.

I find myself thinking about her lately, and I hope, wherever she ended up, that she’s okay and that the crayons brought her some joy. I’m really glad she didn’t wait.

get a job

"Why don't you go get a job?"

You may have heard this said to you. Or thought this. Or said this.

Have you ever thought about what is involved in getting and keeping a job --I mean really thought about it? Likely, if you're saying it, you have a job. How did you get it? How do you keep it? Likely, if you've heard it, you don't have one and feel awful about yourself because someone basically just told you you're lazy and, therefore, a Bad Person.

Let's look at it a different way today ...

Here is a short list of potential barriers to employment:

• Lack of available positions (because they've gone to countries with no workers' protections or to Amazonian robots)
• Lack of meaningful positions (ten hours a week at minimum wage? Thank you! I can certainly live off that while you count me in your employment figures!)
• Disability ("But disabled people can work!" you say. Yes, they can --quite well. Insert long statement about lack of understanding about things like structured employment, reasonable accommodations, and what disability actually looks like. Now look around at society and the way it functions and let's have a real discussion about employment and disability.)
• Formerly incarcerated status (even after you've paid your debt to society, it's hard to reintegrate in all kinds of ways, which brings us to ...)
• Lack of previous experience/gaps in employment history (ex-felons and stay-at-home moms have something in common --never mind the ex-felon stay-at-home moms!)
• Lack of transportation (you see, you don't get paid right away, and somehow, you have to make it there on schedule.)
• Lack of education (not everyone has a degree or training. "Well, go get one!" That takes time and availability of programs --oh yeah, and money.)
• Lack of support (communities have been whittled away by a number of factors; there may be no family around prior to said magical job-getting experience; somehow, the loudest people who show up are the ones yelling, "Get a job!" Makes people feel motivated, no?)
• Lack of self-esteem (see previous parenthetical statement) 

Criticizing doesn't help. It's easy. Taking away support doesn't help --it's also easy. In the meantime, the people receiving the criticism and trying to make do without things like healthcare, food, and housing are not just suffering. The word "suffering" is easy --it's vague. People are losing their senses of self-worth, their health, their homes, and, in some cases, their lives in very concrete and preventable ways.

This is not meant to be a hopeless blog post. That's the whole point: it is not hopeless. All of the above things mentioned are things that can be addressed. It's going to take a little bit of change within each one of us. Those of us who are not willing to change because it doesn't affect them or theirs (yet) need a little extra help in this area. Inform them at length about what's going on until they do something just to get you to shut up about it already.

For starters, if you are an asker of questions, instead of asking, "Why don't you go get a job?" in that tone of voice that means you've already decided what the answer is and it's not a good one, try changing the tone of voice. Ask, "Why don't you go get a job?" and listen to the answers. 

If you are unemployed or underemployed, think about that list and where you fit on it. What support do you need? Do you know what you need? Is it available? If you're not sure, do you know who or where to talk to start to figure it all out?

A person is not his or her employment status. If that were the case, then kids would be worthless, right? And they're not. No one is worthless. It's all a matter of looking at things a little differently.

Have a great day today.